A year ago today...

I dreaded this day coming, with Nate being on his bear hunt I really thought it would be a hard day to spend alone.  It was one year ago today that we were both excited to go find out if we were having another girl or a boy.  We would have been happy with a girl but both of us wanted a boy pretty bad and with Nate's family history we pretty much new we would be having a boy in October.  She put the ultra sound wand on my tummy and of course little baby no name, as we called "it", was dancing around like he always did on his ultra sounds.  We had made it clear that we wanted to know what we were having, i had even had the tech guess at the 12 week scan, so she was interested to see if her guess was correct.  Little baby no name was eager to tell us what he was, and showed his boy parts right away.  We were excited, texting people, posting on Facebook, and enjoying all the boy things that were in our future.  We weren't paying total attention to the ultra sound or what it was she was looking at because we were so scared with Addison's ultra sound because they would look at this or that a million times to get good pictures, and this baby boy never did what we wanted him to do.  We weren't surprised when she looked at the heart a bunch of times.  She did say I can't get a good picture of his heart they may want you to come back in a week or so to get some more pictures.  We left the ultra sound room to wait on our pictures before heading over to see the Dr as happy as could be, we were going to have one of each a boy and a girl!  Nate needed to go to work and I was just running over so they could weigh me and listen to his heart beat, which we had just heard, and we weren't seeing Dr. Jones since he was out that day so Nate went on ahead to work.  I waited for Christi to come out and give me my packet, she sure was taking FOREVER, then I went over to see the Dr.  I got in right away, which wasn't too odd considering I went in the morning and they weren't too busy anyway.  They didn't even weigh me just took me straight to a room.  Addison was playing behind the door and right as I was saying you better move because the Dr will hit you with the door, she came in and hit her with the door.  Addison is crying and the Dr tells me that there is something wrong with his heart.  She says the tech already called over and talked to Tara (My Dr's nurse) and they had set up a special ultra sound for me right away and I was to head over there.  She also said that this was a little more high tech and it could be that they didn't quiet get the pictures right.  Great I had a 15 month old and I sent my husband away.  I called my mom and told her there was something wrong with the baby's heart and I needed her to come watch Addison for me while we had another ultra sounds.  What does she say "Are you kidding?"  No this is not something I would kid about.  When we got in the parking lot to drive to the other ultra sound I called Nate and told him there was something wrong with the baby's heart and I had to have another ultra sounds.  What does he say?  "Are you kidding?"  I broke down in tears.  Telling Nate made it all real, there was something wrong with my baby and I didn't know if he would live or die, I was attached to this baby, I felt him kick me, I knew his routines of awake and asleep.  I couldn't lose him!  The next ultra sound was a blur, the Dr told us there was a problem with the walls between his heart chambers and a specialist from Cardinal Glennon would be down the next Wednesday to take a more detailed look and tell us exactly what was wrong.  I do remember him telling us that if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy he could arrange it.  His words "We don't do that here, but we know people who do"  WHAT?!?!  Is this some back alley thing, I was appalled at the way he said this to us.  I bawled like a baby, I couldn't ask questions, all I could think about was my little baby inside and I had no idea what his life, if he had one at all, was going to be like.  We went out to lunch to take our minds off of it, and once we got to the restaurant Nate broke down to.  In the short time between finding out we were having a boy and the time we found out about his heart, he too had made plans for his son, teaching him to play baseball, hunting, fishing, was he going to be able to do any of these things?  It was the longest memorial day weekend ever, both dreading and hopeing for good news on Wednesday.  I researched the hospital he would be born in and was VERY comfortable with their NICU and that I could stay with him and the Dr's there and felt a lot better about the situation.  Now I just needed to know my guy was going to be alright.